First off, sorry if this is going to be a crappy entry. People who are close to me know how generally positive I am. I've been going through somewhat of a transition...recent events, recent people coming into my life, and ongoing thought and discussion with my parents and those close to me, especially my boyfriend, made me realize alot about myself.
I'm no longer a teen, and my life has been in pretty much the exact same place for years. So after school, I've done...well, nothing.
My panic attacks are almost gone, and people who knew me years ago are constantly telling me how much my demeanor and attitude have improved...so in that aspect, I'm doing rather awesomely. So that's good, but other than that, I've pretty much been at a stand-still. I'm well aware of it, and I can't give an excuse as to why I've never done anything about it. Comfort, maybe.
In the past 3 years (well..almost) I've finally remained in one spot. that didn't help much either. It's kind of funny coming from me, but the main "kick-in-the-ass" causing everything to get into motion, was a guy. My ex.
I know, I know, shut up.
I was deleting my messages in my E-mail inbox and one E-mail from my ex caught my attention.. I've read it again. Nope, I haven't felt anything after reading the letter.. no I didn't cry..what for? I've deleted the E-mail after reading it. So, I will post this kind of entry once.. and never again. But hear me out. It's not as retarded as you're thinking. Not so much the guy in general, but the reasons why he cheated on me. I'm not going to get into details, because it was drawn out, painful, and far too emotional to recall...but in the end, made me realize he was absolutely right.
If someone who once adored you, who you felt you could actually have a future with in the long run and they tell you they share that feeling, becomes so convinced that you have no desire to move forward in your life, that they begrudgingly cut ties and move on to...elsewhere...there's a problem. Of course, I didn't see that at first and had a pretty bad freakout. Oh, the injustice, I asked myself before..how could he leave me?, blah blah...blah. Ok, I'll shut up. As much as it hurt...it took a while for me to actually understand what he was saying. And he was right. How can I expect to have a future with anyone, if I don't even act on efforts to make my OWN?
It was the real kicker, that made me realize I need to stop sitting around talking about the things I want to do, and to get up and DO IT. My friends agree that overall it ended up being sort of good for me. Somehow I think he was right. Burn! Ugh. I admit I was upset he gave up on me just like that...but it was, i guess. I needed it. I don't like what I had to lose, but one day I'll see why it was worth it. Also i know that the whole movie-romance-guy-realizes-his-error-and-comes-back thing is a bunch of crap.
He'll never see this,but his friends visit my blog sometimes but one day I hope I can thank him for finally putting what I'm doing with myself in perspective. People have tried to do it for a long time, and he did it, so...go team. I'm no longer mad at him.. but honestly...I'm glad he did what he did. Because I'm happier with the relationship I have with my boyfriend now.
So now I'm glad things are getting better for me and my man. Fingers crossed for this being the beginning of our happily ever after!