Friday, October 26, 2007

To Move Forward

First off, sorry if this is going to be a crappy entry. People who are close to me know how generally positive I am. I've been going through somewhat of a transition...recent events, recent people coming into my life, and ongoing thought and discussion with my parents and those close to me, especially my boyfriend, made me realize alot about myself.

I'm no longer a teen, and my life has been in pretty much the exact same place for years. So after school, I've done...well, nothing.

My panic attacks are almost gone, and people who knew me years ago are constantly telling me how much my demeanor and attitude have in that aspect, I'm doing rather awesomely. So that's good, but other than that, I've pretty much been at a stand-still. I'm well aware of it, and I can't give an excuse as to why I've never done anything about it. Comfort, maybe.

In the past 3 years (well..almost) I've finally remained in one spot. that didn't help much either. It's kind of funny coming from me, but the main "kick-in-the-ass" causing everything to get into motion, was a guy. My ex.
I know, I know, shut up.

I was deleting my messages in my E-mail inbox and one E-mail from my ex caught my attention.. I've read it again. Nope, I haven't felt anything after reading the letter.. no I didn't cry..what for? I've deleted the E-mail after reading it. So, I will post this kind of entry once.. and never again. But hear me out. It's not as retarded as you're thinking. Not so much the guy in general, but the reasons why he cheated on me. I'm not going to get into details, because it was drawn out, painful, and far too emotional to recall...but in the end, made me realize he was absolutely right.

If someone who once adored you, who you felt you could actually have a future with in the long run and they tell you they share that feeling, becomes so convinced that you have no desire to move forward in your life, that they begrudgingly cut ties and move on to...elsewhere...there's a problem. Of course, I didn't see that at first and had a pretty bad freakout. Oh, the injustice, I asked myself could he leave me?, blah blah...blah. Ok, I'll shut up. As much as it took a while for me to actually understand what he was saying. And he was right. How can I expect to have a future with anyone, if I don't even act on efforts to make my OWN?

It was the real kicker, that made me realize I need to stop sitting around talking about the things I want to do, and to get up and DO IT. My friends agree that overall it ended up being sort of good for me. Somehow I think he was right. Burn! Ugh. I admit I was upset he gave up on me just like that...but it was, i guess. I needed it. I don't like what I had to lose, but one day I'll see why it was worth it. Also i know that the whole movie-romance-guy-realizes-his-error-and-comes-back thing is a bunch of crap.
He'll never see this,but his friends visit my blog sometimes but one day I hope I can thank him for finally putting what I'm doing with myself in perspective. People have tried to do it for a long time, and he did it, so...go team. I'm no longer mad at him.. but honestly...I'm glad he did what he did. Because I'm happier with the relationship I have with my boyfriend now.

So now I'm glad things are getting better for me and my man. Fingers crossed for this being the beginning of our happily ever after!


  1. You should probably call up your ex and tell him "Thank you" for helping you to come to a personal realization. I have done something of this sort with my ex-wife when she cheated on me and our marriage ended in 2002. In the end I thanked her for that, because ultimately she and I were not meant for each other, but my girlfriend Jasmine and I are complete soul mates and she will be my next wife...forever! I know it is a twisted way to look at it, but my wife was supposed to cheat on me, so that four years later I would meet my Jasmine and right for her.

    Everything happens for a reason and people come and go out of our lives in order to define our future in some way or another; this is what your ex has done for you in some round about way. Nonetheless you realized from his email that there is more to you that you can reach for and you can be thankful that he brought that to your attention.
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  2. I've talked to my ex 2 months ago.. and I think I said "thank you" to him. Somehow, taugh me more strength than understanding what is wrong, and making the moves to turn it right. Which just shows how amazing and a strong woman I am now.

    I'm glad things are getting better for you. It sucks when things sometimes were not meant to happen. But I wish you all the luck with Jasmine.

    I just couldn't stop thinking that it's always weird when someone does or says something that makes you realise that you could be doing more or less or become a better person, its a shock at first because you know that they're right. And sometimes the truth hurts SO bad, and even when you know it's exactly what you need to hear, you would so much rather live in denial than just suck it up and face reality. okay, that's me...not you. but I guess I went through sort of a similar thing...kind of, and reading your comment made me go... YESSSS! And feel very happy for you and your ability to learn and move and on and dare I say an optimist. Best of luck to you!